Propaganda Falling


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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
its an art

the art of hoganing.
what more can i say?  to the bastards that created the term, fuck you.  wait, i take that back.  i hope you are run over by a freight train and then skull fucked by a squirrel.  you networking fucks.  all you ever do is sit in that room playing wolfenstein all day, coming up with the most disrespectful terms you possibly can.  sorry pal, eagle scouts dont lie.  you do.  so when you fick up next time, and you try to call it hoganing, remember that i have more resources than you could ever fend off.  silent thunder.
think about that phrase for a minute.  a total paradox. an anomaly, it cant happen.  but thats what makes it so perfect for me.  because i am an enigma.  try to figure me out, i dare you.  in order for thunder to occur, what has to happen?  lightning.  one of the most destructve forces on the planet.  and if that lightning is dark, obscurous, another paradox, then it is perfectly plausible for the following thunder to remain silent.  and the paradoxes in nature are always the most violent, deadly and destructive.  so keep that in mind when you piss me off.  because you just created lightning.  and one of these times, my mild nature is going to leave me quite suddenly.  swiftly, quietly, perfectly.  flawless execution.  task complete.  and the thunder will be silent, from behind, invisible.  never forget that, ever.  i have more experience than most people get in a life time, and the resources to utilize it to my fullest extent. not to mention, i have a steeper learning curve than a mountain rock face, and im not afraid to use either.  so go ahead, piss me off.  slander my name.  but when the time comes for your turning point, i will be holding the reins.  oops, i slipped.  goodbye, fucker.

Posted at 07:26 pm by hrizonedge
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
roads too long im pissed.  this is the third time ive tried to update this, and my computer is retarded
anyway, this is a confessional, a sin box.  though i wont tell of my sins, they will go with me to the grave.  first off, fuck me.  i have fucked up big time in the last month and a multiple ways. to begin-
Maggie.  damn.  i fucked up majorly.  i dont eve know where to start...i guess i just will.  i ve been too damned afraid to call her, and its not like it should be hard.  i trust her with everything, i would do anything.  but i dont know how many times i have looked at the phone and dialed her number, only to hang up before the last digit.  i guess im just afraid of the potentially fatal reprocussions of pissing off ramon, or maybe even her.  i dont even care about the money anymore.  i just want to talk to her, to hear her voice, perhaps even see her.  not all living things are tangible, and that is what im scared of, i guess.  god this is worse than a 5-13 route in a brisk arctic wind.  Relationship(current) x Position(current) + slipping up - money to see her = scenario failure.  fuck.
next, we have senior project.  fucking senior project.  im not going to bitch about how we are the only public school in the nation that does it, or how it sucks up enough energy to power new york for a full year.  i spent more time at school than at home trying to get that thing done, and then i had to write a fucking paper about it.  11 pages of single spaced paper, plus a title page, equates to roughly 23 pages of finished report.  the god damn thing took me long enough to do that i think i could give my presentation on it right now.  which, by the way, is fucking insane.  how many teens do you know who can stand up in front of people they have never met and present a project on lightning arrest pest control through over-exposure to nitrates for 20 minutes while they look for ways to fail you?  if you can find me someone like that, let me know so they can go do it.  id like to see them try.
next on my rant list comes CG.  that bastard.  fucking snake.  oh, lets go be friends with someone, and then try to get under their skin to the point where they have no control anymore.  lets play parasite!  im glad my parents caught you.  you sneak around inside peoples heads, looking for ways to extort them, dont you.  well, lets put it this way...BUSTED.  enough said.
then there's the school play.  i love ya fish, but fuck you you incredible bitch.  how in the HELL does drew burns deserve the lead role at all?  and kingsly gets ensemble?  what the fuck is wrong with you!?!?  granted, theresa (who is incredibly good at acting) deserves the role of perry, but where do you get off giving people like me shitty roles with no lines and kristin barton a nonspeaking role al together?  what the fuck was running through your head?  oh, and by the way, drew is one of the people that i see as not a team player, who is only in it for the popularity.  i can be an asshole whos addicted to the spotlight too, but i choose not to be.
and that leads me to steph.  next time, when you have to take a state-mandated test, dont get drunk before coming to school.  yes, you can smell it on your breath, yes your eyes are dialated, and yes you are extremely easy when youre drunk.  stop.
oh, and terry, i would appriciate if you would actually talk to me.  how many wasted minutes have i spent iming you?  too fucking many...i give up.
to jonathon-  where in the hell are you?  arent you the one who is supposed to help me on my senior prank?  i have all the details, and i HAD a crew...till you dissappeared.  you better have a damn good excuse, like youre dead or something.  im calling you right now.  dont fucking ignore me this time, bastard.  you know that i cant pull something this heavy off without you, so i would really like some feedback.
alex and sara- first, you ARE married.  ive never seen couples like you before...holy shit.  second, i AM going to kick both of your asses in paintball next weekend, and you arent going to touch me.  do you know why?  because i play things out in my head before i move.  just like on big game of chess.  i kick the crap out of you everytime we play CS, and i dont expect this to be any different.  also, im in much better shape than you, because i have gone running every  night for the past 3 weeks.  snow or no snow.  lastly, im used to the cold.  outdoor arenas in the cold tend to become just that...cold.  kevlar helps, but once you get to that point it is strictly mind over matter.  bang. i win.  do not pass go, move directly to the cry room off the lobby.
alright, rant over...fuck it.  im too tired.  oh, and just as a reminder...FUCK ME.

Posted at 07:28 pm by hrizonedge
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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I look around and all I see are shadows of people. A giant mass with indistinguishable components. The irony? Each person has his or her own story. Each person has his own share of issues. Each of these people considers me part of the same blob, though from a different perspective. Yet all I seem to be able to focus on are the issues concerning me. Selfishness is inevitable, I guess. But EGO is not necessarily a bad thing. Just ask Ayn Rand. So many people are oblivious. Completely ignorant. And I'm just as hypocritical as the rest of the mass. I know people want to care, want to help, want to find answers for me, but ultimately each of these people is mostly concerned with his or herself. But I appreciate them anyway. I am no better. I have no right to condemn. Is ignorance really bliss? Maybe I'd be happier if I had no knowledge of the truth. Even now I can't pretend to know everything, but I am quite aware of corruption. Even so, it is only with this experience, this knowledge, this corruption that I can comprehend and accept a fuller, broader, more complete happiness. This so-called "bliss" that results from ignorance only exists because the ignorant know nothing else. Ignorance dominates their lives and helps to keep the act of living a steady process. But living in ignorance will never allow you to grow. There is no good, no bad, only the absence of knowledge.

Posted at 03:03 pm by MJ
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Thursday, December 11, 2003
Habit Saints Running

Easier to Run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Breaking the Habit

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That i'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the Habit

Courtesy Linkin Park's lyrics, but they are exactly how i feel.  i guess it kind of goes along with a phone call i got last night.  if one person isnt killing her, another one is.  just have the courtesey to let her recover.  i wish i could take all the pain away from her, and let her live, even if i died for it.  if i could, i would take her in my arms and shelter her from the freezing rain and the blazing sun.  i love maggie, even if it is stupid to say.  i dont have any preconceptions about her, i only know her for her, for the person i fell in love with.  un doubtedly, i would die for her, to protect her.

And Shepherds we shall be

For thee, my Lord, for thee.

Power hath descended forth from Thy hand

Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.

So we shall flow a river forth to Thee

And teeming with souls shall it ever be.

In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.

Posted at 10:48 am by hrizonedge
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Monday, December 08, 2003
trailing in dust

ok.  i feel somewhat left out, like i dont matter at all.  not that i should, i got plenty of compliments last night for my performance, more than usual.  but as i was walking out, it hit me.  i was the only one out of my entire cast that didnt get a rose.  even the characters without speaking lines got one.  why?  i dont know.  maybe i should just let it go, because this is what always happens.  but just once, i would like to get a flower for my performance.  this is my senior year, my last year for drama.  in 4 years, and 12 plays, i have not once gotten a rose.  one more play left, this spring.  three performances, three chances.  lets see if my odds improve, though they are far less than likely to. 
on a different note, it seems that if i wouldnt have showed up in maggies life, she would not have fought with ramon and she would not be so crushed.  i support her for who she is, but i also want her for myself at the same time.  one of those childish things, i guess.  regardless of whether it includes me or not, i want her to be happy more than anything.  i will always be here for her, just a phone call away, which is still too far.  she can call me anytime she wants, even if it is 4 in the morning.  i will stop the world from turning for her.  no matter what it takes.  unconditionally.

Posted at 09:28 am by hrizonedge
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Friday, December 05, 2003
Pandora's Pool of Tears

They were of black acid, burning away at whatever touched them.  The pool was of the silkiest black, glimmering in the dim light of the shadow she had released.  Curiosity killed the cat? No.  It killed the world.  Damn the man that should be curious, may he burn in hell for eternity for the pain caused.  i condemn myself, due to the curious nature of my soul.  The aspects, the angles, the sheer engineering of it.  it is too perfect, too sure of a design.  not a single flaw in the entire design, yet it is inherently designed to fail.  the paradox of its primary funtion, the source of all the pain, is also what drives it.  No, i am not speaking of some foreign body, some distant country, some super structure.  pain is what drives us, as people, to do better.  we are designed to learn from mistakes, to learn to adapt and apply to new situations.  we cannot live with pain, yet we cannot live without it.  if we have no pain, then our existence is futile, for we have no purpose.  Yet if the pain is too great, we buckle and let it force us into submission, often death.  we train ourselves to avoid pain, yet we do not.  we actually train ourselves to desensitation, to deal rather than cry.  it is in this manner that we learn the most, by causing ourselves pain.  the more pain we feel now, the les  it hurts when something major happens.  thus, by fighting of pain, not letting it take advantage of us, we become inherently stronger.  fighting off sickness, heartache, physical pain, mental anguish.  it only makes us desensitized, unable to feel as much.  we do not show a full range of emotions, only anger or happiness.  there is no in-between, for it is translated into one of the two.  by pushing farther, longer, harder, we are more than the one next to us.  this internal competion with the own, the being, lets us drive ourselves to the absolute edge.  and then go farther.  from an engineers view, it is absolutely perfect in design, designed to fail.  eventually the system must crack, letting the body fall.  it is at this point when the answers come to us, at the point of death.  it is the ultimate mind game, to approve of whther you are allowed to fail or not.
at this point, i cannot afford to get sick.  i have too much on the line.  i will subject myself to pain today, giving blood at the blood drive.  i may give up to 3 units, because that is what they wish to take.  to let them or not is the question.  it depends how i feel at 1130.  i have the drive to let or disallow myself to get sick.  i will not, because i am performing in a play on sunday, the main character.  if maggie were here, i would let myself, for i know that she could heal me in time.  i would trust her with my life.  i love her.
nagoh sirhc

Posted at 09:15 am by hrizonedge
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Thursday, December 04, 2003

ok, lets ort this all out.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  give it up ramon, you cant back maggie into a corner anymore.  and if you cant respect her anymore than that you need a swift kick in the balls.  i have always been taought to respect women for who they are, not for what they are.  and you are obviously having a problem with that.  if she doesnt like you, she doesnt like you.  dont force the issue.
ok, off of rant mode
i cant affford to get sick now.  not till monday.  i have to stay well until sunday night, because that is when our performance is.  i know the lines, actions, motivations, everything.  andrew needs to either learn it or leave it.  same with nick and lindsay.
Ever get that utterly sinking feeling in your chest, like you know you should have taken a shot when you had a chance?  rhetorical, but honest.  i almost feel empty, like i should have spoken up to avoid calamity.  too fecking late now.  damn.  i need to learn how to talk, instead of holding back potentially threatening comments.  i need to lose this nervousnes, to be able to speak exactly what i mean.  maybe maggie can help, for she has absolutely no problem speaking what she thinks. 
i have class now.  post.

Posted at 08:50 am by hrizonedge
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Monday, December 01, 2003
Back from the Grave

Ok, so i havent done this in a while.  I must say, being without a computer for a week sucks.  Damn viruses.  ok, break down of this weekend:

After school, watched Finding Nemo
went out with a friend, inadvertently got them grounded
drove to Grand Island, arrived around midnight

Thursday (Thanksgiving)
Woke up, had breakfast at Grandma's
hung out all day, talking to cousins etc...
watched Goldeneye, ConAir, and The Rock
Drove home, arrived around 10

Woke up, watched GoldMember, Bruce Almighty, Tomb Raider Cradle of Life, and another movie i dont quite remember
cleaned off the front porch, then played with my brother all day

Woke up
cleaned up the ENTIRE yard (for those of you who dont know, i have a frickin huge-ass yard)
Went to Haunted Mansion, which sucked major balls

Worked on the addition in back
went to play rehearsal, picked up props and all sorts of shit.

That's about it.  As you can see, my weekend kind of sucked.  i talked to Maggie for a little bit, but i wish it could have been a lot longer.  i still owe 100+ for the calls earlier.  once i get that paid, i can call her again.  I really wish i could be with her.  just to see her, smell her, breathe her in.  just to get close, touch her beautiful hair with my fingertips.  then just hold her in my arms forever, never to let go.  and finally be able to feel comfortable, feel like nothing was wrong.  Feel home.  just like someone was there ofr me, like i do when i hear her over the phone.  this summer.  i just have to keep thinking, the last two weeks of the summer i can see her.  i just hope nothing changes from now till then, though it more than likely will.  i love her.  and as pitiful as it sounds, i just want to curl up next to her in her bed and fall asleep with my arm around her.  just to fall into her bed would be good enough for me.  i will drive up and pick her up from school and take her away and show her how much i love her.  for now, goodbye.

Posted at 09:27 am by hrizonedge
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Monday, November 24, 2003
Parenthetical Voice

OK so this weekend sucked big time.  i am so sick of comp class.  on saturday, i wrote a 15 page paper on how scouts are good.  The only problem was, it had to be deductive. grrr. i swear that woman gains some sort of sick enjoyment out of watching us twitch at papers, shuddering at the very thought of another.  grrr.
but anyway, i now reealize how pathetic i am.  i keep staring at the phone, hoping maggie will call.  i even tried to pick up the phone this weekend to call her, but was then reminded of that damned paper.  i simply cant forget about her.  i know its hopeless to try to hang onto her, i will probably never see her again.  i am still going to drive to her house this summer, but i will more than likely be turned around at her door.  all right, im going to stop whining now.  im tired, fuck it. peace.

Posted at 09:20 am by hrizonedge
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Friday, November 21, 2003
Phones Suck

FUCK THE BILL.  I WANT TO TALK TO MAGGIE. but i guess i have to wait until she gets back from seattle.  damn.  on the brighter side, i saw a really good play last night.  Proof was absolutely stunning.  And then on the ride home, we busted out a bottle of wine and a bit of Courvasier.  That was interesting.  Thanks nick.  I tried calling Maggie last night, but she had to work on a paper, rendering my call completely useless.  but it was good to hear her voice.  I keep having these wierd-ass dreams with her in them.  some are practical, but seeing a picture of maggie Andy Warhol style...that just screwed with my mind.
BTW, i found out Emily got pregnant.  dammit.  i wanted her to be able to come down from Minnesota for my eagle ceremony.  stupid fucking horny college students.
ok, so the list of people i want to come to my eagle ceremony from out of town, thus far:
Maggie Milligan
Emily Menning
Aaron and Tamra and their mom
Bud and Lila
Grandma and Grandpa
Uncle Jim and Aunt Mary
Courtney Gordon
All of Crew #326
Maggies Crew?
Caitlin + Lacey
Taylor and Troy
Chad Blythe
Jerry, Chad, All their family
Scott Orians
Kaitlin OConner
Jonathan and Jarred Sharman

Post later. Bye.

Posted at 08:56 am by hrizonedge
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