Entry: Pandora's Pool of Tears Friday, December 05, 2003

They were of black acid, burning away at whatever touched them.  The pool was of the silkiest black, glimmering in the dim light of the shadow she had released.  Curiosity killed the cat? No.  It killed the world.  Damn the man that should be curious, may he burn in hell for eternity for the pain caused.  i condemn myself, due to the curious nature of my soul.  The aspects, the angles, the sheer engineering of it.  it is too perfect, too sure of a design.  not a single flaw in the entire design, yet it is inherently designed to fail.  the paradox of its primary funtion, the source of all the pain, is also what drives it.  No, i am not speaking of some foreign body, some distant country, some super structure.  pain is what drives us, as people, to do better.  we are designed to learn from mistakes, to learn to adapt and apply to new situations.  we cannot live with pain, yet we cannot live without it.  if we have no pain, then our existence is futile, for we have no purpose.  Yet if the pain is too great, we buckle and let it force us into submission, often death.  we train ourselves to avoid pain, yet we do not.  we actually train ourselves to desensitation, to deal rather than cry.  it is in this manner that we learn the most, by causing ourselves pain.  the more pain we feel now, the les  it hurts when something major happens.  thus, by fighting of pain, not letting it take advantage of us, we become inherently stronger.  fighting off sickness, heartache, physical pain, mental anguish.  it only makes us desensitized, unable to feel as much.  we do not show a full range of emotions, only anger or happiness.  there is no in-between, for it is translated into one of the two.  by pushing farther, longer, harder, we are more than the one next to us.  this internal competion with the own, the being, lets us drive ourselves to the absolute edge.  and then go farther.  from an engineers view, it is absolutely perfect in design, designed to fail.  eventually the system must crack, letting the body fall.  it is at this point when the answers come to us, at the point of death.  it is the ultimate mind game, to approve of whther you are allowed to fail or not.

at this point, i cannot afford to get sick.  i have too much on the line.  i will subject myself to pain today, giving blood at the blood drive.  i may give up to 3 units, because that is what they wish to take.  to let them or not is the question.  it depends how i feel at 1130.  i have the drive to let or disallow myself to get sick.  i will not, because i am performing in a play on sunday, the main character.  if maggie were here, i would let myself, for i know that she could heal me in time.  i would trust her with my life.  i love her.
nagoh sirhc


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